That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
