your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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