No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
