I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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