Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
