She is in my trunk
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize