You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
