Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
