My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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