I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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