i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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