She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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