Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
