I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize