So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
