he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Let's get the cat blown out
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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