I wish I only lived at night.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize