my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
