If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
