She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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