He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
