I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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