No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I am midnight drunk by noon
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
