i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
