my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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