Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize