all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
