This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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