I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
