Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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