That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize