I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
