I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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