I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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