I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
