Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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