she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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