Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
