had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
