And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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