i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize