Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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