I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
