I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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