She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize