In America we eat man semen.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
