Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
