just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize