and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
