I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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