i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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