I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
