he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize