If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
