to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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