1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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