You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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