today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
