dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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