I puked a lego.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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