chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
