On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
