they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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