Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
