guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
