It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
