My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
